"Just because they're happy together, doesn't mean they're not sleeping with others."

Slate Magazine: You mean as in Dan Savage’s idea that marriages should be non-monogamous? I can’t really see it working for heterosexual couples.

Esther Perel (the nation's "sexual healer"): Not yet, but we couldn’t see premarital sex once either. We are a generation that believes in self-fulfillment, but also in commitment, and in their negotiations between these two ideas they will come up with new negotiations around monogamy...It doesn’t mean it will fit everybody. But I do believe it’s the next frontier.

-- "Why We Cheat" via Slate Magazine

On "Partition" #Yonce

"...But [Bey] does something new on Beyoncé...Men and love are a focus, but she makes sure to let us know that those songs are also about empowerment: there’s even a spoken word passage in “Flawless” from a Nigerian feminist that calls for young girls to “lean in” and be more than someone’s wife. She sings about love and sex more boldly than ever, peppering those songs with messages about independence and motherhood. And we’re eating it up.

Maybe the reason my millennial generation feels so entitled is partially because Beyoncé told us we could be. We can have it all. But don’t take my word for it. Look at the lyrics...There are feminist lessons for every woman entwined among the usual addictive musical riffs.

beyonce-in-partition-music-video.jpg

3.Partition— It’s important to please your man (yep, that’s feminist).

Driver roll up the partition please
I don’t need you seeing ’yoncé on her knees
Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up
We ain’t even gonna make it to this club…
Oh he so horny, yeah he want to f***
He popped all my buttons, and he ripped my blouse
He Monica Lewinsky-ed all on my gown…
Take all of me
I just wanna be the girl you like, girl you like

“I just wanna be the girl you like” isn’t the most feminist message — especially compared to the rest of the album. It’s not a give and take like “Blow.” It’s simple submission. How do you reconcile being a proud, independent woman and wanting to be desirable and please to your man? But wait! Beyoncé has an explanation. You might have missed it because it’s in French, but it’s there.

Est-ce que tu aimes le sexe? Le sexe, je veux dire l’activité physique, le coit, tu aimes ça? Tu ne t’intéresses pas a sexe? Les hommes pensent que les féministes détestent le sexe mais c’est une activité très stimulante et naturelle que les femmes adorent

The translation, thanks to one of my French-speaking co-workers:

Do you like sex? Sex, I mean the physical activity, coitus, do you like it? You’re not interested in sex? Men think that feminists hate sex, but it’s a very stimulating and natural activity that women love.

The Dude fans might recognize this as Julianne Moore’s monologue in The Big Lebowski. The message: feminists like sex too. So brush up on your French, haters."

-- "Flawless: 5 Lessons in Modern Feminism from Beyonce," TIME

An email from a friend on online dating

from: anon_1
to: me
date: Tue, Mar 4, 2014 at 4:05 PM
subject: was reading this.. dunno if you’ve already read but since you’ve been posting about online dating

http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/02/okcupid-most-desired-people-in-new-york.html

my fav is “gay guys love Tyra Banks”

———-

from: me 
to: anon_1
date: Tue, Mar 4, 2014 at 4:13 PM
subject: Re: was reading this.. dunno if you’ve already read but since you’ve been posting about online dating

thx for the share! not an avid OKCupid user but still super interesting…

what are your 140-char thought(s) on online dating?

———-

from: anon_1
to: me
date: Tue, Mar 4, 2014 at 4:36 PM
subject: was reading this.. dunno if you’ve already read but since you’ve been posting about online dating

okc is terrifying and i’m really scared of rejection LOL

———-

On the age of sexting & why we push 'send' (via NYMag)

"Sexting must have arrived simultaneously with texting—it’s a safe bet that any new media not invented by lust makes room for it immediately.

But sexual diversions don’t need to be measured by how closely they approximate coitus; innuendo can be enjoyable on its own…That sexting session wasn’t an inferior version of sex; it was a superior version of Candy Crush.

'Making a girl wet from afar fills me with a sense of godlike power,” a male friend boasted. 'Especially if she’s somewhere where she can’t have sex, if she’s at work…And I’m ­creating this hypersexual mind-set.'

The disassociation may be even more extreme when the sexting is totally out of the blue—or into it. According to [a] McAfee study, one in ten sexters have sent “intimate content” to “complete strangers.”….Some were vetting potential dates when the talk turned dirty; others simply felt like sexting.

'How important is the belief that we will one day hook up again?' I asked…'Like if I told you I would never fuck you, would it ruin it?' — 'Hmm that’s interesting. It would take some fun out of it, yes, because you want to believe the stuff you’re typing will happen. But it’s still fun in and of itself, so probably not a deal-breaker.'”

— via “Sexting’s Strange Paradox: It’s Just No Fun from today’s NYMag

On Valentine's Day, tech, and the democratization of intimacy

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I’ve started thinking a lot about how technology (and esp. technology in the hands of us millennials) has changed the landscape of this Hallmark holiday.

Before, it felt as if Valentine’s Day was the polarizing force between two somewhat rival camps: those in relationships & those not (thus the trite “Happy Singles’ Awareness Day” tweets & Facebook statuses, etc.) However, on this 14th of February in 2014, we have a combination of things that we have not had in the past; and therefore the tension between the camps is diffused a bit as those in search for companionship on this former ‘couples only’ day can now find what they are searching for.

The combination to which I am referring is 1) Tinder, and 2) the formerly slow but now strong acceptance of the usage of such ‘dating’ apps. Don’t get me wrong, I know that Tinder existed this time last year, but I found that my peers still avoided talking about their Tinder’ings. Now, people openly profess that they are “so excited to go meet Tinder Bob” or sit at the bar telling the bartender that they are “just waiting for my Tinder date.” Sure, not everyone is as open, but there has definitely been a shift towards acceptance of usage of this app, that is part of the larger ‘epidemic’ (for lack of a better term, apologies for the snark) that is online dating. (I bite my tongue slightly here as I may get backlash for this if I do ultimately end up marrying someone from OKCupid or Match.com, Buddha forbid).

I will admit to dabbling in the Tinder-ness here and there, but never taking it too seriously.  Yet, I was still very taken aback when asked by a friend, “So, do you have a Tinder date planned for Valentine’s Day?” My immediate response: “Wtf no. People do that?”

Now I realize that yes, people do do that. It’s a thing this Valentine’s Day, opening this channel up for Valentine’s Days to come. For Sochi’s sake, even Olympians are using Tinder as we speak — and oh, to be in their search radii…(think of all the right-swipes!). It is interesting to think that even just a year ago, this was a ‘holiday’ reserved for those couples ‘in love,’ or at least secure enough in their relationship to celebrate such a declaratively commitment-filled day…

image

And now, apps like Tinder and sites like Grouper have, essentially, democratized ‘intimacy.’* A year ago we thought Tinder was crazy…yet look where we are now. Where will this date/intimacy-tech space take us next?

* Intimacy in quotes to build in wiggle room for our generation’s wide spectrum of interpretation of the meaning of the word.